Chapter three

The crushing disappointment with life is we don't receive any forward notice regarding the pivotal experiences before or while they're happening. It isn't until years later we  look back and identify exactly where things took an unwelcome turn. Sometimes events happen involving us at too young an age to understand or fully process its impact.
When I was fourteen I sleeve two days hanging out with a good friend of mine from church. We went canoeing with his dad and then I spent the night at his house. The next day we went to see the movie Twister and then they dropped me off at home. Five minutes later they were hit by a tractor in a freak accident and my friend died instantly. While I never felt it was my fault he died, it's hard to not feel responsible for them being where they were at the time. This event may have led to my not feeling like planning ahead or saving money was worth much thought. No matter the plans or large reserves you may have, sometimes a tractor with bad brakes comes down a steep blind driveway and crushes the side of your car and kills your son while he listens to a cassette of a comedy routine he hopes to perform at an upcoming talent show. Sometimes you sit at the dinner table for hours, spinning a nut back and forth on a bolt waiting for a phone call to find out which person died and which one lived. And every day you're glad you didn't drive to see why all the sirens were going down your normally quiet country road shortly after your friend and his dad left your house. Fourteen is just too young to learn about the realities of the world we live in. A person should be eased into reality slowly. Every three years after that event I lost someone-a friend at school in a drug and alcohol fueled car wreck, a Grandma, a co-worker, a grandpa that was very important to my formative years, then my parents divorced, then my last grandparent died. By this time I had grown crusty with defense mechanisms. I struggle to hold onto money of any large amount. I moved every year or less for ten years. I have few friends, though the ones I do have are very strong friendships. While these events may not be related its hard to think the first didn't affect the following.