I don't need much in a woman....she just has to be sexy, secure in herself, funny, strong enough in our relationship to ignore men that hit on her, like old cars and motorcycles (and not necessarily nice ones), not be afraid to get dirty, have an interest in things larger than daily life like art and conceptual ideas, enjoy travelling, sitting on the front porch, sometimes doing nothing at all, be proper in the company of others but more relaxed at home, say what she's thinking about when she's thinking about it, and realize that sometimes i need to just take off and go for a ride by myself. And listen; have an interest in my life. ok, that's quite a bit. some tattoos wouldn't hurt either. a rockabilly girl that's not rockabilly because its cool, but cool because she's rockabilly. or something like that, you know, genuine, no posers, no fakes, no phonies, no whiners, but a few rough edges...
In return, I will realize that she needs her time and that sometimes I can be annoying and should just go away. I'll try not to get loud or innappropriate in social settings, and i'll do my best to make her feel like an honored woman. I'll show her i'm glad she's with me and that i need her. I'll pull my weight and support us as best i can. i will listen when she needs to talk, and respond when she needs me to respond. As long as i have my garage to keep messy, i will keep the house orderly, i will keep it repaired and nice-looking, and the yard will be presentable.
Just love me for who i am, faults included, and treat me the way i deserve, and i will do the same.
02 July 2007
04 June 2007
back in the day...
i have one experience, one timeframe in my mind, that i knew i would look back on more fondly than i thought of it when i was going through it. there is one drive i took that i knew i would remember for the rest of my life...actually two i think, but one for sure, i thought "i'll be telling my kids about this one." I was just thinking about another time of my life, one that seemed like i was always hoping for a better situation, that was soon to come, any day now, just around the corner....but it never came. and then there was that warm night in Phoenix, a phone call, an end, just like that. Quiet, final, unpredicted, but there it was. I just caught myself thinking about that time and saying in my mind "it was good." then i thought, "was it good? why do i think that? i seem to remember it being a constant struggle." why is it that we look back on things and think more fondly of them now than we did then? truly, not all things are like this, some in my life were actually worse than i thought they were at the time, but hey, i am still here. Memory, perspective, other experiences...they warp, change, adjust your view of what has happened in your past. i think the message, for me at least, is to look at everything and try to enjoy it as much as possible when it is happening, so when you look back on it you will realize that you did enjoy it as much as you should have. it is better to enjoy something when you are doing it than to look back on it and realize it was more enjoyable than you thought, and that you could have had more fun....oh well, the bad memories have not been forgotten, they have just been pulled from that filed and placed in "lessons learned" while the good memories remain in that original folder.
26 April 2007
Saddle Up
Life is akin to riding a motorcycle. You can make it as dangerous as you want, but sometimes things just come up unexpectedly. You can take it fast, or make it slow, and it pays to be aware of your surroundings. If you don’t do a little maintenance from time to time, you will be screwed. You’ve got to keep it in good repair or it will leave you stranded. The nicer or more flashy it is, the more attention you get. And if its big or little, it’ll get you where you’re going pretty easily. Some roads are bumpy, some roads are smooth, and sometimes you go down a road to nowhere, sometimes you take a trip for fun, and every once in awhile you take a wrong turn. Its fun to ride off into the great unknown on a grand adventure. Sometimes its just as nice to sit at home and look at your life/bike and think. You can change it whenever you want to adapt to new needs, surroundings, or interests. Sometimes there are a lot of people on the same trip, and other times you go alone. You can pick up a passenger just as easily as you can drop them off. It can rain on your parade, so be prepared. The sun can get in your eyes, or it can warm your back. You’d better be prepared to dodge obstacles, and take a map as well. A quick change in direction can mean the difference between life and death and sometimes some dumbass will come along and screw up the whole thing; its even worse when they never realize what just happened. Most importantly, ENJOY THE RIDE and MOMENTO MORI.
14 April 2007
Incubus
Without fail, the sound of Incubus takes me back to a much simpler time. I thought I had problems but in retrospect, it was quite possibly the best time of my life, after high school anyhow. Time hands out rose-colored glasses for free.
I made reservations at a hostel on a wonderful island, and just began reserving a spot for a tandem-jump skydiving expedition. Next i will line up some surfing lessons, but that's mostly to justify buying some cool boarding shorts. Well, not really. That's just a perk.
Life is so much easier now than it was in the recent past. The weight is lifting, I have time to think about the things i want to think about. I have time to give my friends the attention they deserve. Financial worries are more along the line of "wow, I spent all my play money already?" instead of "well shit, made the truck payment again, and again i saved no money this month."
Working out is going well if you can measure success by how sore you are. I'm not getting very tan in this office, but my freckles are getting darker. I have a great bunch of friends, most of them have been my friend for years, and a couple new ones are a lot of fun too. Its also very good to know who is trouble, and who to stay away from. My bags were heavy, but i wish i would have brought a few more books with me. When you don't cook or do your own laundry and don't have much space to live in, its amazing how little is really needed to live. Toiletries, clothes, a notebook for writing letters, a box to put letters received in, and a laptop to watch movies on, write musings, and look at pictures documenting the last four years of my life.
Life is calm, life is good, life is all that it should.
I made reservations at a hostel on a wonderful island, and just began reserving a spot for a tandem-jump skydiving expedition. Next i will line up some surfing lessons, but that's mostly to justify buying some cool boarding shorts. Well, not really. That's just a perk.
Life is so much easier now than it was in the recent past. The weight is lifting, I have time to think about the things i want to think about. I have time to give my friends the attention they deserve. Financial worries are more along the line of "wow, I spent all my play money already?" instead of "well shit, made the truck payment again, and again i saved no money this month."
Working out is going well if you can measure success by how sore you are. I'm not getting very tan in this office, but my freckles are getting darker. I have a great bunch of friends, most of them have been my friend for years, and a couple new ones are a lot of fun too. Its also very good to know who is trouble, and who to stay away from. My bags were heavy, but i wish i would have brought a few more books with me. When you don't cook or do your own laundry and don't have much space to live in, its amazing how little is really needed to live. Toiletries, clothes, a notebook for writing letters, a box to put letters received in, and a laptop to watch movies on, write musings, and look at pictures documenting the last four years of my life.
Life is calm, life is good, life is all that it should.
24 March 2007
Easter Sunday, Payson
I feel destined for greatness, even if my greatness is only to be great at being myself. I am the all american man, a product of the american experiences I have to this point mentally digested and sub consciously allowed to conform my being.
Be it impossible for our minds, in their natural state, to understand all that is to be understood? If so, should we still strive to understand all that we can, or should we merely accept the fact that we as a race are slightly more developed than all those we know of that surround us, and in light of that understanding, be content to carefully balance extracting the most pleasure possible from life and having a long life?
Why am I the all american man? Because I understand how things are and accept them. Because I am educated. Because I am hard-working, enjoy my time to myself to pursue my individual pleasures. Because I know things should be different and accept that. Because I know things will never be perfect. Because I accept that my country is not right, but also because I appreciate all the things I don’t even realize I take for granted because I was born in this country.
Why do I have so much self confidence? This is a question I cannot answer. I do not know from where it came, how long it will stay, or, in the event that it leaves, why it will do so.
Remember every song you ever heard, every book you ever read, every movie or play you ever watched. Remember every fine piece of artwork or black and white family photograph, and the emotions all these experiences brought forth in you. Now, right now, any time you choose, is the time to act on these feelings. The time to make your own story. If you choose to do so, you can at any time. Its like a free pass you carry with yourself all the time. Naturally, if you choose to let life take you where it will, that is fine. I personally don’t think that’s an appropriate decision, but up to this point in my own life, I feel as though I have been pushed by the winds. The only direction I have taken is in my mental reaction to the instances which have changed my trajectory. Sometimes I make conscious decisions, based on pleasure or need (are there any other reasons to make decisions?) but did I really make those decisions, or were they simply a reaction to things which had already happened-reactions which I thought were my decision, but ultimately were just a necessary occurance for the unvierse to continue as it should? Are things really that inter-connected? Is all in everything, are we all a part of the same one thing? Why is so much of life devoted to pleasure? Is that truly the goal? What about enlightenment? Is it achievable? If so, and even if not, why are we not constantly striving for that? Or are we, and we don’t even know it? I suppose everyone pursues what to them is the best, based on the experiences they have gone through-power, control, pleasure, enlightenment. But why did each of us go through the experiences we have gone through? Do our actions affect people we don’t even know, people dead and people unborn? I mean little actions. Is there any way we’ll ever know? Why do I wonder about these important questions, yet most of the time wander along apathetically, working and playing and counting my money?
It was not her un-understanding of things, but her unwillingness to attempt to understand things, which I did not like about *. “I don’t understand, and I don’t want to try to understand” was the gist of my perception of her position several times. This I abhor. That, and the tendency for people, when in the face of something difficult, i.e. learning a new sport, to sit and be negative, or at least not constantly attack the ineffieciency at hand until it is demolished.
I might be just a tiny bit enlightened. I think everyone is though, and I have just realized that what I considered before to be simple pleasures (admiring nature, finding joy in pure existence) were perhaps short bits of enlightenment, bits which we all feel from time to time.
One of many good quotes from Aldous Huxley’s “The Doors of Perception:”
“In a world where education is predominantly verbal, highly educated people find it all but impossible to pay serious attention to anything but words and notions. There is always money for, there are always doctorates in, the learned foolery of research into what, for scholars, is the all-important problem: Who influenced whom to say what when? Even in this age of technology the verbal humanities are honored. The non-verbal humanities, the arts of being directly aware of the given facts of our existence, ale almost completely ignored. A catalogue, a bibliography, a definitive edition of a third-rate versier's ipsissima verba, a stupendous index to end all indexes - any genuinely Alexandrian project is sure of approval and financial support: But when it comes to finding out how you and I, our children and grandchildren, may become more perceptive, more intensely aware of inward and outward reality, more open to the Spirit, less apt, by psychological malpractices, to make ourselves physically ill, and more capable of controlling our own autonomic nervous system - when it comes to any form of non-verbal education more fundamental (and more likely to be of some practical use) than Swedish drill, no really respectable person in any really respectable university or church will do anything about it. Verbalists are suspicious of the non-verbal; rationalists fear the given, non-rational fact; intellectuals feel that "what we perceive by the eye (or in any other way) is foreign to us as such and need not impress us deeply." Besides, this matter of education in the non-verbal humanities will not fit into any of the established pigeonholes.”
Be it impossible for our minds, in their natural state, to understand all that is to be understood? If so, should we still strive to understand all that we can, or should we merely accept the fact that we as a race are slightly more developed than all those we know of that surround us, and in light of that understanding, be content to carefully balance extracting the most pleasure possible from life and having a long life?
Why am I the all american man? Because I understand how things are and accept them. Because I am educated. Because I am hard-working, enjoy my time to myself to pursue my individual pleasures. Because I know things should be different and accept that. Because I know things will never be perfect. Because I accept that my country is not right, but also because I appreciate all the things I don’t even realize I take for granted because I was born in this country.
Why do I have so much self confidence? This is a question I cannot answer. I do not know from where it came, how long it will stay, or, in the event that it leaves, why it will do so.
Remember every song you ever heard, every book you ever read, every movie or play you ever watched. Remember every fine piece of artwork or black and white family photograph, and the emotions all these experiences brought forth in you. Now, right now, any time you choose, is the time to act on these feelings. The time to make your own story. If you choose to do so, you can at any time. Its like a free pass you carry with yourself all the time. Naturally, if you choose to let life take you where it will, that is fine. I personally don’t think that’s an appropriate decision, but up to this point in my own life, I feel as though I have been pushed by the winds. The only direction I have taken is in my mental reaction to the instances which have changed my trajectory. Sometimes I make conscious decisions, based on pleasure or need (are there any other reasons to make decisions?) but did I really make those decisions, or were they simply a reaction to things which had already happened-reactions which I thought were my decision, but ultimately were just a necessary occurance for the unvierse to continue as it should? Are things really that inter-connected? Is all in everything, are we all a part of the same one thing? Why is so much of life devoted to pleasure? Is that truly the goal? What about enlightenment? Is it achievable? If so, and even if not, why are we not constantly striving for that? Or are we, and we don’t even know it? I suppose everyone pursues what to them is the best, based on the experiences they have gone through-power, control, pleasure, enlightenment. But why did each of us go through the experiences we have gone through? Do our actions affect people we don’t even know, people dead and people unborn? I mean little actions. Is there any way we’ll ever know? Why do I wonder about these important questions, yet most of the time wander along apathetically, working and playing and counting my money?
It was not her un-understanding of things, but her unwillingness to attempt to understand things, which I did not like about *. “I don’t understand, and I don’t want to try to understand” was the gist of my perception of her position several times. This I abhor. That, and the tendency for people, when in the face of something difficult, i.e. learning a new sport, to sit and be negative, or at least not constantly attack the ineffieciency at hand until it is demolished.
I might be just a tiny bit enlightened. I think everyone is though, and I have just realized that what I considered before to be simple pleasures (admiring nature, finding joy in pure existence) were perhaps short bits of enlightenment, bits which we all feel from time to time.
One of many good quotes from Aldous Huxley’s “The Doors of Perception:”
“In a world where education is predominantly verbal, highly educated people find it all but impossible to pay serious attention to anything but words and notions. There is always money for, there are always doctorates in, the learned foolery of research into what, for scholars, is the all-important problem: Who influenced whom to say what when? Even in this age of technology the verbal humanities are honored. The non-verbal humanities, the arts of being directly aware of the given facts of our existence, ale almost completely ignored. A catalogue, a bibliography, a definitive edition of a third-rate versier's ipsissima verba, a stupendous index to end all indexes - any genuinely Alexandrian project is sure of approval and financial support: But when it comes to finding out how you and I, our children and grandchildren, may become more perceptive, more intensely aware of inward and outward reality, more open to the Spirit, less apt, by psychological malpractices, to make ourselves physically ill, and more capable of controlling our own autonomic nervous system - when it comes to any form of non-verbal education more fundamental (and more likely to be of some practical use) than Swedish drill, no really respectable person in any really respectable university or church will do anything about it. Verbalists are suspicious of the non-verbal; rationalists fear the given, non-rational fact; intellectuals feel that "what we perceive by the eye (or in any other way) is foreign to us as such and need not impress us deeply." Besides, this matter of education in the non-verbal humanities will not fit into any of the established pigeonholes.”
Roadtrip Diaries
Roadtrip Diaries
3/24/06
Roundtrip AZ-MA
Daydreams
Keep me awake
Put me to sleep
Goals? Or just that-
Idle amusement
A joy to discover
A world of excitement
Will the future reveal
Powers of the mind
Or will I just forget
These silly ideas
They are so real
So pure and exact
Is it my imagination
Or a vision of the future?
Who is to know
Who is to see
Who can tell
Who can decide
How many times
Have I thought this before?
Is my mind not controlled by itself?
Do I really want this? or-
Is it just entertainment?
Do I decide that?
Or does the universe?
Powerful
Decietful
Dreadfully entertaining
My mind is a mine
Always digging into the unknown
As often as not
Spewing something surprising
Nobody knows
Nobody sees
What will come
What will disappear
Hopefully the dreams are visions
For they were beautiful
But if not, they are only a sign
That my imagination has not died.
............
Apartment in the mountains
Me, stopping in when I can
Drinks, a movie, dinner, sleep on the couch
A kiss if the mood is there
Friends, not quite anything more but almost
Gray areas
Good talks
Trips, picnics
Exploring the country
That’s what I want when I think of you.
...............
Freedom
My life is in my hands
I can mold my future
I don’t know what I want
Not lost, just unsure
Not making a move until I’m sure
Pawn to black six
Or rook to black nine?
Standing at the edge of the woods
Many trails before me
Is each one right in its own way?
Or is only one correct?
Am I a fool to think I can make a right decision?
Do they all lead the same place?
Does my decision make a difference?
Does anyone know?
I’ll follow my heart
I’ll do what I want
Whatever seems right,
Whatever feels natural
Wherever I end
There I will sit
Think about the path
And hopefully decide it was the right one
I think life will be ok
No matter what will happen
What might have happened
What could have happened
At least, that’s the way it has been so far.
................
The road
Turns your mind inward
When you’re not looking
Suddenly
Out spews so much
You only half knew was there
Like a stew pot brimfull with vegetables
That only appears to be broth
Dreams, but are they?
Perhaps visions, most likely not
Fun nonetheless
Wanderings
Both a mindtrip over land
And a walk through your thoughts
A sleep when you can
Hunger when it comes
A pee when it fits
A drive when its time
It was time for a rinse cycle
So appeared the road trip
Perfectly timed
To slow me down from this recent speedtrip
To decompress, evaluate, think, process
Across the nation
Visiting friends
Time and distance become meaningless
Insignificant in the face of other,
More pressing needs
Reality warps
Patience
Patience
Patience
................
Music and scratching
Cramped legs
Lack of blood
Bad drivers
Bumpy roads
Toll booths
Shitty cruise control
Relative lack of stress
One purpose, one goal
Go there, return
Safely
Fall asleep when you should
Monitor the vehicle
Enjoy thyself
Roadtrips are all the same
Roadtrips are all different
Roadtrips are roadtrips
And that’s why we love them.
..............
Burnt out on things to say
Burnt out on looking out the window
Burnt out on stopping, going, sleeping, driving, thinking, sitting
Far from finished
The length of a roadtrip should be carefully considered
And ability to adjust is paramount
Know how deep the pool is, and how long you must swim
Before you jump in
I need a lifejacket
..............
Its amazing how fast one can do from what was just a few hours ago a sure idea, a plan for the future, to a similar, yet totally different plan. And how both of these plans is far detached from what, just last week, was a concrete plan. Luckily, they’re all good plans.
3/24/06
Roundtrip AZ-MA
Daydreams
Keep me awake
Put me to sleep
Goals? Or just that-
Idle amusement
A joy to discover
A world of excitement
Will the future reveal
Powers of the mind
Or will I just forget
These silly ideas
They are so real
So pure and exact
Is it my imagination
Or a vision of the future?
Who is to know
Who is to see
Who can tell
Who can decide
How many times
Have I thought this before?
Is my mind not controlled by itself?
Do I really want this? or-
Is it just entertainment?
Do I decide that?
Or does the universe?
Powerful
Decietful
Dreadfully entertaining
My mind is a mine
Always digging into the unknown
As often as not
Spewing something surprising
Nobody knows
Nobody sees
What will come
What will disappear
Hopefully the dreams are visions
For they were beautiful
But if not, they are only a sign
That my imagination has not died.
............
Apartment in the mountains
Me, stopping in when I can
Drinks, a movie, dinner, sleep on the couch
A kiss if the mood is there
Friends, not quite anything more but almost
Gray areas
Good talks
Trips, picnics
Exploring the country
That’s what I want when I think of you.
...............
Freedom
My life is in my hands
I can mold my future
I don’t know what I want
Not lost, just unsure
Not making a move until I’m sure
Pawn to black six
Or rook to black nine?
Standing at the edge of the woods
Many trails before me
Is each one right in its own way?
Or is only one correct?
Am I a fool to think I can make a right decision?
Do they all lead the same place?
Does my decision make a difference?
Does anyone know?
I’ll follow my heart
I’ll do what I want
Whatever seems right,
Whatever feels natural
Wherever I end
There I will sit
Think about the path
And hopefully decide it was the right one
I think life will be ok
No matter what will happen
What might have happened
What could have happened
At least, that’s the way it has been so far.
................
The road
Turns your mind inward
When you’re not looking
Suddenly
Out spews so much
You only half knew was there
Like a stew pot brimfull with vegetables
That only appears to be broth
Dreams, but are they?
Perhaps visions, most likely not
Fun nonetheless
Wanderings
Both a mindtrip over land
And a walk through your thoughts
A sleep when you can
Hunger when it comes
A pee when it fits
A drive when its time
It was time for a rinse cycle
So appeared the road trip
Perfectly timed
To slow me down from this recent speedtrip
To decompress, evaluate, think, process
Across the nation
Visiting friends
Time and distance become meaningless
Insignificant in the face of other,
More pressing needs
Reality warps
Patience
Patience
Patience
................
Music and scratching
Cramped legs
Lack of blood
Bad drivers
Bumpy roads
Toll booths
Shitty cruise control
Relative lack of stress
One purpose, one goal
Go there, return
Safely
Fall asleep when you should
Monitor the vehicle
Enjoy thyself
Roadtrips are all the same
Roadtrips are all different
Roadtrips are roadtrips
And that’s why we love them.
..............
Burnt out on things to say
Burnt out on looking out the window
Burnt out on stopping, going, sleeping, driving, thinking, sitting
Far from finished
The length of a roadtrip should be carefully considered
And ability to adjust is paramount
Know how deep the pool is, and how long you must swim
Before you jump in
I need a lifejacket
..............
Its amazing how fast one can do from what was just a few hours ago a sure idea, a plan for the future, to a similar, yet totally different plan. And how both of these plans is far detached from what, just last week, was a concrete plan. Luckily, they’re all good plans.
The year in review, 2006
The year in review, as of November 15, 2006
I went to jail in Arizona, a wedding in Illinois, celebrated the Fourth of July on a boat in the Gulf of Mexico, and hitchhiked in Colorado. I drove over 20,000 miles in my new truck, almost 5,000 on my new bike, and around 6,000 in a company truck, on a one-week trip from Flagstaff, Arizona to Massachusetts and back. I didn’t get high when I was in Jackson, Wyoming, but I did in Houston, Texas and the Shenandoah National Forest in Virginia. I searched downtown Atlanta for coffee with a Russian girl on a Sunday morning, and fell asleep by the pool in Virginia Beach on a Saturday afternoon, with an American. I sat on a dirt road outside McPherson, Kansas until four in the morning talking with an old friend, and walked seven miles in the woods of Indiana, talking with another one. I was searched three times. My grandpa died. I sat by his side for fifteen hours, after traveling halfway across the country in about twelve, after a 1500 mile road trip. I’ve been from Ithaca, New York to Pocatello, Idaho and from Jackson, Wyoming to Pensacola, Florida. I spent three months in a camper in the Rocky Mountains and wrote this in a FEMA trailer, two blocks off the beach in Ocean Springs, Mississippi. Today we woke up, took the dogs on a walk down the beach, sat in the hot tub, and then decided to not work the rest of the day. Last weekend we took the boat out and watched the Blue Angels do their flying demonstration. I made some new friends, got rid of some bad ones, and was blessed with the rekindling of some old ones. Its been a good year.
Reading this now, in my current location…man did this year take a turn towards Even More Crazy! Soon I will update this…
I went to jail in Arizona, a wedding in Illinois, celebrated the Fourth of July on a boat in the Gulf of Mexico, and hitchhiked in Colorado. I drove over 20,000 miles in my new truck, almost 5,000 on my new bike, and around 6,000 in a company truck, on a one-week trip from Flagstaff, Arizona to Massachusetts and back. I didn’t get high when I was in Jackson, Wyoming, but I did in Houston, Texas and the Shenandoah National Forest in Virginia. I searched downtown Atlanta for coffee with a Russian girl on a Sunday morning, and fell asleep by the pool in Virginia Beach on a Saturday afternoon, with an American. I sat on a dirt road outside McPherson, Kansas until four in the morning talking with an old friend, and walked seven miles in the woods of Indiana, talking with another one. I was searched three times. My grandpa died. I sat by his side for fifteen hours, after traveling halfway across the country in about twelve, after a 1500 mile road trip. I’ve been from Ithaca, New York to Pocatello, Idaho and from Jackson, Wyoming to Pensacola, Florida. I spent three months in a camper in the Rocky Mountains and wrote this in a FEMA trailer, two blocks off the beach in Ocean Springs, Mississippi. Today we woke up, took the dogs on a walk down the beach, sat in the hot tub, and then decided to not work the rest of the day. Last weekend we took the boat out and watched the Blue Angels do their flying demonstration. I made some new friends, got rid of some bad ones, and was blessed with the rekindling of some old ones. Its been a good year.
Reading this now, in my current location…man did this year take a turn towards Even More Crazy! Soon I will update this…
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