Habits

I'm to that age where I've been doing some things longer than I haven't been doing them. A decade seems so long when you're young. I'm still young. Graduated college ten years ago. What has happened since was for a time quite a hard ride to hang on to, but now it's settled down into a more normal situation. I've given up the youthful ambition to an abnormal life. Its just a show march to the end now, hopefully with some high points along the way. This may not be the end of the world, but I can see it from here.
If you could see the future would you want to? If you could wake up tomorrow and know the rest of your life? The losses, the low points, the high points, the end moment?
Sometimes I feel surrounded by the spirits of the ones that have died already, and sometimes the spirits of those still alive, just far away. Some days it's like a cloud around me, other days it's like a cloak.
At any rate, getting older is mostly boring. I've seen a lot of what can happen. What's the point I wonder? It's not so hopeless to pull the trigger on a brain drain, but it certainly does make you want to absorb each tiny second of joy as it passes you by. However, simultaneously, my feet are weighted down by a severe case of the ho-hums. I suppose all this is normal. The ability to think for oneself can be such a drag.
It's weird to think of how long you've known someone. Say you meet when you were fourteen. Now you're thirty one. When you met them it was so exciting and fresh. Now you've known them longer than you haven't known them. You grow accustomed to new habits, like a new neighborhood, a new house to zig zag through in the dark and find the cups without a light, a new liquor store with new local beer.
You can give up so much of yourself so swiftly without even noticing. The statue of future you, built by your teenage self, slowly eroded and chipped away to only the iron core in a mere fifteen years. Added to, surely, in unseen ways, and chipped away at, surrendered, for the concept of the common good, until you're not even sure what you started out as, what you are now or how exactly you got here.
And here we sit. Idly wondering, curious, not entirely concerned, just intrigued. The farther down the rabbit hole we fall, the less we recognize! The more you experience the more you realize you'll never comprehend.
At any rate, it's different. The situation itself is not different than it ever was, just the prism through which you view it has been modified, as will it continue to be. In the end it's a chair in the sun by a window.